Wednesday, December 29, 2004

How I got my ass kicked in 60 seconds.

I went snowboarding today, down a hill, not a mountain. The ground was still in the compressed and hard phase, and that was not nice or easy, but what didn't kill me only made me stronger, and more limp around the backside, ass first landing from a jump.

My brother and I where the only two in my car, I want so bad to help him out in life, perhaps give him the secrets that will allow him to be, 'the superman' according to Marx. As far as I go in giving advice, I figure the truth would be good enough for him, I don't need to push him in any direction, simply show him what is out there, and give him my take on what I see. He asked me what happens to us when we die, where do we go and what do we do. I knew what my mother would say and also what I felt was the truth, and I just lay it out to him, we die, our body returns to the organic matter it was, and as far as our soul or our mind goes, I'm like maybe you'll be playing ping pong with Jesus someday I don't know, but your body won't be allowed to go. I feel so good knowing he has questions, it reminds me of someone similar to myself at that age.

Last but not least, I told my girlfriend that I would like it better if we where just friends. It will be hard on me, as well as her, because I know she still likes me, but facts are what they are. I learned something from my readings last nite, 'history goes to the victor.' Everyone has their own impression of what is going on, from their own perspective, from their own idilic view of what they would want others to know of the situation.

Phe phi pho phum... Will I ever satisfy my heart?
My heart bleeds for thee, and I believe Christina Aquilera said it best 'all I want is you'

~My regards to those lost in the quake/floods. That kinda dwarves the loss on September the 11th.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Empty, though I desire it to be.

I have been secretly wishing / yearning for something more. An extension of myself rather. I want to be "all that I can be" or even more than I can be. All that I can be is what my environment rears me to succumb/rise to. I want to fly away, I want to just leap beyond what is currently my situation, not to run from my problems, but to go beyond, to do something more, more more..

I saw Regis Philbin on the tele today. It was a repeat of Kelly winning Apprentice. I recall the days when Regis was fresh, on top of things, I see him now and he's shaking, he's fragile, he's simply doing something that his body is no longer capable of. I also saw on the History chanel, It was a crew from these PT boats during WWII. The video shows them all running around a boat with there shirts off, just messin around. And years and years later they are interviewed on what they think of it all. I don't want to have to go through years later, I just want to capture the moment. But the bad part is that I can see how the moment isn't perfect. Its a blurred snapshot of my personal interpretation of happiness. I need to break free, not to escape, but to rise above.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Mmmm... Work

Today, I worked some 11 hours, and I totally loved it. Well now I can say that, but it was stressful. We had to set up 20 user computers with 3 main computers that would act as servers in this office that was designed to accommodate like 5 or 6 total. We fooled with workgroups, and ran into duplicate name errors, tried to run with 2003 server, but too complicated. The whole time I was learning, it was just so great, but they wanted us to have all the machines running at once. We finally set it all up by the end of the session, but by then it was almost too late. And we have to tear down the network come Saturday.

I found this kickass site today, It is a techie site where they do lots of cool stuff, stuff I only dream of because I have no friends, well no tech savvy friends. I got offered a job maintaining a website for my neighbor it will need some work, I was expecting something professional but I could definitely touch it up. With websites, I need to learn how to prog with Perl or php and also learn to implement a nice graphical front.

The ladies went sledding today, good for them, my little brother was crabby, so was my mom. My hair is getting long, and my neighbor is getting out of the army. Oh boy do I want to reconvert him into a tech dork.

Peace out world..

Monday, December 13, 2004

Ohh Boi!

I could have possible made a major slip up today. So I'm having trouble with my current girlfriend, and I don't think that I like her any more. So I was talking to this other girl that I do like and I was talking about how I'm having troubles and I think that she took my off as being rude or mean. I felt I was just being honest.

Honestly, I don't care. I'm having an issue, is it better to be bold and perhaps rude by being decisive about an issue or should I try to let nature take its course and play things by ear. I'm thinking the first but it would require a major shift in my personality. And speaking of personality, I am falling apart, I was do when school gets out. What ever will I do when I graduate? Perhaps I am a hopeless dork, or I will be forced to be a lifelong learner.

I want to be a Network Engineer.
I want to be a Neuroscientist.
I want to be a psychology major.
I want to be a physics major.
I want to be an astronaut.
I want to go to outer space.
I want to allow our planet to connect with other planets, galaxies, or universes.
I want to design the rocket ship to do so.
I want to create a tunnel to allow us to traverse the everything.
I want to allow a machine to communicate directly with our mind, without the need for auxiliary input devices.
I want machines to make humans better at becoming better humans.
I want to do everything in my one lifetime.

Why do I get hung up on the littlest things, how will accomplish all of this, will I accomplish this?

Ohh boi! I hope I don't die in some freako accident and have my life cut short. I want to do all of this, and I can. I need financial and educational resources.

ohh yeah, I want to be an excellent snowboarder.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Running Through my Head

Yesterday was amazing. I felt as though I was floating through the clouds. It was like I was able to control what I was doing, but I felt that there was a force guiding everything. (My instinctual responses?) I could feel like I was drifting towards something or someone. It was just pure bliss, like I wanted to clip the moment out and save it, play it over and over, just for the purpose of reminding myself that what had just happened was as though I thought it was.

I hope that I didn't catch mixed signals. I couldn't contain myself, but I knew that I had to. One thing that made the most sense to me was playing with this cat. The kind of cat that has the blood of a bengal running through its veins. I had my intentions, and it took so much work to get it to come out right, but it eventually came out. It was as though I was truly interacting with nature, as opposed to its domesticated variation. This was the common theme underlying the main events of the night. Domestication versus Nature.

Every signal I received told me that this girl was secretly crazy for me, and I have to realize it and act upon it. To free both of us from our misguided journey into life. We are both going through the same phase in life, and I feel we are both going in the right direction with the wrong person. Every sign, every cue it all pointed to something, or hopefully not it was just me trying to find justification in interpretation.

It is too bad that I had an agenda that I want to accomplish. I want to become happy. And I encountered someone who truly offers me hope, of a companion who I would be satisfied with. I wanted to make something happen, but I realize how fragile the situation was. The last thing I want to do is to rush something so that it would never happen.

Just tell me that what I saw yesterday was the truth. Two people seeking each other, but seperated by something, something that can be overcome.

Tell me I'm not mixing the signals.