Self realization of lost youth

I noticed something that shocks me to the awe. First it was the scent, backyard cookout, being a kid and running around and then coming back to the grill for a dog or a burger. I didn't do that today. Our first nice day and I am reminded of the past. I hope life isn't best when you're young, for I have distinctive memories of all the stupid shit that was done and turned out to be far more entertaining than anything of today. What I lack more than the smokey grilling of the air is the spontaneous combustion of energy of yesteryear. The lack of commitment, responsibility, or concern is what I miss the most. Since my mind constantly turns over the pages of my future I miss the present. When I all had was what was in front of me I could live it, siezing the day for it was all I had. As I think not only of tomarrow, but of tomarrow's tomarrow I miss each day as it has served its purpose of leading me closer to tomarrow, which is closer to the end.

Allusions of more to come

I had a great talk with a neighbor today. Many revelations where made as well as REVEALations. As much as I think throughout the day, I believe the generators where running today and neurons where firing. Clarity, for the first time in forever maybe. Clarity under a guise -- a guise called the future.

I wonder what people did during prehistoric times, don't you? This thought is a loop to nothingness, but I just like to think of a place without the footprint or impression of the human. Our world is accelerating currently at a rate exceed that of compound interest or even gravity (9.8m/s/s). Meaning early caveman only slowly advanced. The original person likely did not live long. They had no knowledge other than what they could pick up, and they being originators had little to educate themselves with. As time progressed they began to write, talk, establish norms and this leads us to todays beings who can learn years of history and gain much knowledge in a packaged form known as a book. And still more, we read on the internet an even vastly greater amount which only helps to increase our growth in the exponential region. I find this to be great yet stark news.

News of what the future knows is that things will continue similar to how they where before but with an adaptation to the times. I see the world as being swept up in to too much commotion, not that I am unfavorable to our global climate and connectivity to the rest of the world, (which I thrive upon knowledge of) but I would prefer to expirience just more motion.

My Corner
~*~*~*~*~
I think of America, alot. I grew up loving this country too. When I am reminded of America and her amber waves of grain I think of a big black scar on her face. Not necessarily the scar of bombs bursting or war, but of our selfishness and our waste. I do not feel as though as a whole we are entitled to everything we have, I feel that even if we reduced ourselves to THE MINIMUM necessary to complete a function, (no lights, less gas, recycling, healthy meals) that we would still be a wasteful country. We have been spoiled as a whole, and our way of life is a greater threat to ourselves than any outside force ever could be.

I strided to this revelation after thinking of Reagans policy of combating communism in Russia. We spent more and more and we cheered victory. In 2005 we are in a war in Iraq fighting for ?? and using insane amounts of resources to do so. This trickles down from our central government or even flows in reverse from the people to those people in uniforms of power. In our "lazy" society complacency is our great enemy. Our enemy has many allies known as greed and exploitation.

Even more of my personal banter can be extrapolated to my personal outrage to our future drilling of oil in Alaska. Alaska, as I have heard is a very beautiful land is home to many animals and untouched land, and though I love nature in it "natural state" I almost could care less. In a political move "so it seems" the price of crude has risen $56 a barrel, and refined is $2 a gallon. This recent spike is sure to have serious consequences on our society such as maniacs screaming conspiracies of doomsday. This is not my concern, I will deal with the price hike, and I will feel sorry for those elk or caribou.

MY DEAL IS THIS: The rest of the OPEC world is either limiting their production or raising their prices of crude causing a ripple effect. Depending on which angle wants to be persued from a rebound to our war, to a strike against America, so be it. I agree, some of our policies are aligned with waste. But the point is this, whatever finite resources the world has left of petroleum which we currently rely on will soon expire, especially with our level of consumption, and with the world growth which only increases the burden. So someday, not in your or my lifetime, or even my children's life will we completely run out of oil, but the fact is that we cannot continue in this direction ad infinitum. I feel many politicians wanted to reduce the price of gas so as to appease their electorate, but ignored the reality of the future. WE WILL RUN OUT OF OIL SOMEDAY. In the interest of making things better for the time being, we have in essence multiplied our problem by reducing the cost of depleting our resources. My mind envisioned a much greater remedy for this situation which is to leave our reserves alone, keep them our reserves, keep the land beautiful. Wait for the other countries to export untill they fill an oceanliner with sand; we will then still have our Alaskan reserves to hold us over while we condense ourselves and people start listening when we say 1:REDUCE 2:REUSE 3:RECYCLE. The price of gas is $2 a gallon, so what. It is inconveient true, but it is the price we pay.

Come and take me by the hand

Perhaps Lenny Kravitz said it best: " I want to fly away". I want to disconnect at times, break loose, and get in touch with something that is missing. I am sure alot of people feel as though they are 'missing' something. Which means plenty of room for improvement. One thing I find funny, I imagine that when I look back at the days of now, I will say those where the best days of my life. Yet I know that things can be better. For reference, those where the days, are days that weren't all that, great, but could have been more. The skinny is that I want those days to be more than what they are. I'm filling my head, I'm earning my slice of the pie, yet I want for it all to full-circle or just be wholly encompassing. Maybe it is that I just feel so California How great would life be if you didn't have to deal with the stressors of life, live life in the naivette of childhood. There are things that fill up my head and make me not want to use my mind. Would it be better to live in the comfort of blissfull ignorance? I don't know, but atleast it couldn't be worse.

Hot issues that have been pressing me lately have been identity theft and security, as well as leisure and entertainment, so its not all business. In life we come across choices that present changes and opportunities. I do not fear them, rather I relish the chances I get to shine. However, not everything is the long piece in tetris, we have to work with what we have, these decisions are cloudy at first as we do not fully understand our choices, but with time we make the most informed one. For example, DO NOT EVER buy anything at busysky{dot}net (I would feel bad if anyone clicked that link, you have been warned) They sell plane tickets for a very competitive rate, because they are scamming you, they want to steal your info, and make you wire the money to a bank in Thailand. Ohh yeah, you don't actually get tickets.

Would you agree that life would be sweet if it could be free of the could be nice if there wheren't the shit-happens wouldn't have to deal with the idiosynchroties, or peculiarities which lead to nothingness. Such as having the proper tools for the job. Which I find to be one of the most important aspects of anything. Great demands may exist, and the challenge can be acheived, so long as the goals are clearly laid out, and the request it not something out of your league. I sympathize with those who are asked to do perform some favor even though it is not their specialty. However I sympathize with those who ask for someone to do something; people should be multi-talented.

Ohh boy!! Just bought Jack Johnson's new album "In Between Dreams". He is just so good. Be sure to check out his past two albums, On and On (AWESOME), and Brushfire Fairytales. I saw him live this past summer, I even got to talk to him afterwards, very cool person.

Thoughts in my head

I've been having a crazy time lately, not crazy like this one mexican who kept creeping into my conversation a long time ago, but crazy as is out of the ordinary. First off Omar's birthday party was way sweet, yet I feel as though I overdid it that night, the following morning confirmed my suspicion. WHEN YOU FEEL YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT

I also took a trip to Brandywine for a snowboarding trip, it too was way sweet, my head had finished its spinning by then, however I was stuck using a rental board, since my finances are not up to the level of opulence --relative opulence, I don't like crap, I would prefer to go the extra mile for something quality, in all regards-- my life demands. So the rental board I could feel slowing me down as I descended the slope, one of the weirdest feelings to be going downhill, yet slowing down, I had to ride on my edges the entire time, even leading into jumps which result in less than stellar performance, and just plain slow runs. This one girl explained it best to me, haa there's no way you could compete with a rental. Not so nicely put, but she put it out there nicely so that I could truly understand the scope of what was up.

The kicker: Today and even last week, a professor of mine is going to be starting a research workgroup / thinktank and we will get together every week put our heads/ energies /efforts together and try to accomplish something, that I do not know yet. But the whole time the proposal was being presented to me, my brain had fireworks going off inside of it, which is a good thing since often enough I feel as though the brain chunks are escaping, such as when I sneeze, I suspect that brain particles make their way out as well. Just a suspicion/ theory and as of yet unproven. But these fireworks, it was like my head was out of its league, processing all these thoughts of what I want to do, taking in new information, continuing the dialougue, loosing it, trying to communicate at a high level and completely and utterly striking out, I was trying hard to spit out some words but the brain was too busy with something else to be bothered, do I need more vitamins or just sleep. I wanted only what I precisely intended to say to come out, yet I would get hung up with the vocabulary.

I've isolated it, I've been reading mostly educational information as of lately, textbooks, and one on the beginnings of Linux / Unix also another on genetics and how nurture plays a role in who we develop to be. So as you can see, my Dan Brown reading has taken a back seat or should I say bedroom floor to the other, as I considered more lasting knowledge. But if I can't communicate then ohh noo!!! its too late, I've already lost enough brain matter.

P2


Current Music:

How I got my ass kicked in 60 seconds.

I went snowboarding today, down a hill, not a mountain. The ground was still in the compressed and hard phase, and that was not nice or easy, but what didn't kill me only made me stronger, and more limp around the backside, ass first landing from a jump.

My brother and I where the only two in my car, I want so bad to help him out in life, perhaps give him the secrets that will allow him to be, 'the superman' according to Marx. As far as I go in giving advice, I figure the truth would be good enough for him, I don't need to push him in any direction, simply show him what is out there, and give him my take on what I see. He asked me what happens to us when we die, where do we go and what do we do. I knew what my mother would say and also what I felt was the truth, and I just lay it out to him, we die, our body returns to the organic matter it was, and as far as our soul or our mind goes, I'm like maybe you'll be playing ping pong with Jesus someday I don't know, but your body won't be allowed to go. I feel so good knowing he has questions, it reminds me of someone similar to myself at that age.

Last but not least, I told my girlfriend that I would like it better if we where just friends. It will be hard on me, as well as her, because I know she still likes me, but facts are what they are. I learned something from my readings last nite, 'history goes to the victor.' Everyone has their own impression of what is going on, from their own perspective, from their own idilic view of what they would want others to know of the situation.

Phe phi pho phum... Will I ever satisfy my heart?
My heart bleeds for thee, and I believe Christina Aquilera said it best 'all I want is you'

~My regards to those lost in the quake/floods. That kinda dwarves the loss on September the 11th.

Empty, though I desire it to be.

I have been secretly wishing / yearning for something more. An extension of myself rather. I want to be "all that I can be" or even more than I can be. All that I can be is what my environment rears me to succumb/rise to. I want to fly away, I want to just leap beyond what is currently my situation, not to run from my problems, but to go beyond, to do something more, more more..

I saw Regis Philbin on the tele today. It was a repeat of Kelly winning Apprentice. I recall the days when Regis was fresh, on top of things, I see him now and he's shaking, he's fragile, he's simply doing something that his body is no longer capable of. I also saw on the History chanel, It was a crew from these PT boats during WWII. The video shows them all running around a boat with there shirts off, just messin around. And years and years later they are interviewed on what they think of it all. I don't want to have to go through years later, I just want to capture the moment. But the bad part is that I can see how the moment isn't perfect. Its a blurred snapshot of my personal interpretation of happiness. I need to break free, not to escape, but to rise above.

Mmmm... Work

Today, I worked some 11 hours, and I totally loved it. Well now I can say that, but it was stressful. We had to set up 20 user computers with 3 main computers that would act as servers in this office that was designed to accommodate like 5 or 6 total. We fooled with workgroups, and ran into duplicate name errors, tried to run with 2003 server, but too complicated. The whole time I was learning, it was just so great, but they wanted us to have all the machines running at once. We finally set it all up by the end of the session, but by then it was almost too late. And we have to tear down the network come Saturday.

I found this kickass site today, thebroken.org. It is a techie site where they do lots of cool stuff, stuff I only dream of because I have no friends, well no tech savvy friends. I got offered a job maintaining a website for my neighbor www.grindall.com it will need some work, I was expecting something professional but I could definitely touch it up. With websites, I need to learn how to prog with Perl or php and also learn to implement a nice graphical front.

The ladies went sledding today, good for them, my little brother was crabby, so was my mom. My hair is getting long, and my neighbor is getting out of the army. Oh boy do I want to reconvert him into a tech dork.

Peace out world..